Archive for March, 2012

Travelling Expenses

March 23, 2012

Editor:  Meanwhile, Paul’s been busy finding work, finding alcohol, losing his mind and writing poetry:

Paul Has Been Dealing with Life and Death Issues of Late

A Monologue From Men and Women

JAKE.
My Theory is, some of us are meant to love,
and we keep loving but it’s not enough,
… I don’t mean the room mate kind of marriage love,
I mean deep abiding heart destroying love,
and we think that should be enough, but it’s never enough,
we have to get a job, buy a house, a car, medical,
why can’t we just love? You see I think that shit kills love.
We keep falling in love you and I, deeper and
deeper each time until we meet “The One”.
The Big Kahuna, and when that happens
we’re gone because there is no coming back from that one.
You see each time we fall into a woman
we leave a piece of our heart there,
it’s like you cant get it back, and when you meet “Her”,
“The One”, instead of running which is what any sane person would
do you just walk towards her like a zombie and say,
“Rip what’s left of my Heart out Baby oh Yeah, I love the pain”.
And I have met her, I have loved her and I died for her.
So what I’m saying Jess is that you really you haven’t loved enough
yet! You’re still alive.
Paul Eenhoorn Copyright 2012

 Photo borrowed from one of Paul’s film projects. 

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Work, work, work… with Rita Andreeva

March 23, 2012

Editor:  And!  If you’ve been wondering what Rita has been up to:

Rita Tries to Stay Calm and Act in an Even-Handed Way, But…

“My last roommate was Jewish. You see after I had a schizophrenic roommate who thought Jews were after him, I decided to find a Jewish roommate. Because if a race of people is after conspiracy theorists like that guy, than they all must be good people. Well, now I understand why the Germans were so easily persuaded by Hitler during the World War II.

My first mistake was not making him fill out a rental agreement, where I’d have to specify EVERYTHING – like: he inspected everything very carefully and is happy with the conditions of the place and the price, he promises to vacate immediately in case of conflict, he promises to clean up after himself or vacate without argument, etc.

The first morning of his stay he started bickering about the price! He argued relentlessly and managed to get the price down a whole $50. Even when I pointed out that I don’t think we’ll get along, because he, obviously, didn’t respect me, since he didn’t clean up after himself the very first morning, which is why I don’t want to rent to him at all, no matter at what price, he still stayed and got the discount! (Anyone knows how I can join Arial Brotherhood?)

During his stay he’d argue and argue and argue about everything until you give in, or get mad and call the cops, who will only make you feel like a fool and tell you that you should grin and bear it and go in your room and let him make messes with my stuff, because he has the legal right to stay and use the kitchen until you legally go through eviction process. So the cops left, and B. continued to spill grease and crumbs all over the stove and kitchen counters, to never clean the toilet or the manly urine fog forming on the wall by the toilet (now, he said his contribution to the bathroom cleaning was that he never took showers),  he’d decide to cook at 11pm and make noises and disgusting food smells, and he kept me up all night until 4am discussing stupid stuff, then he kept my guest up all night talking to him until 4am, which totally ruined my plans for the evening. 

And thus he lived on, cooking smelly, greasy meats and sausages, waking me up by the smell and noise as early as 7am and taking forever, like 3 whole hours to cook and eat his breakfast! He kept on using my toilet paper and napkins for two month, until I finally had to ask him to buy his own and keep yours where he can’t get to it. 
He showed me no respect for being his elder and better educated, and he would not be able to take constructing criticism at all, trying to make me look bad instead, like: “What do you mean your cookie sheet is covered with grease and black thick soot? where? Oh, that, oh it’s nothing. Why do you make such a big deal of a little thing like that! You are unreasonably picky! So what i didn’t notice it. What’s the big deal….” These conversations could go on until the cows come home, until I stopped talking to him and went to my near-room. Naturally, I preferred avoiding him and leaving him notes: “Please flush the toilet, you left poop in it second day in a row… You left crumbs and grease on the kitchen counter again!” to which he emailed me, “Stop leaving me stupid notes, I’m not going to read them anyway.”
He thinks he is god’s gift to women. Ugh. So he brought wine over one evening and tried to get me drunk, in the hope that I’d see him the way he sees himself after a few glasses. I don’t know what he’d do if I actually got drunk, I never got that far and kept my wits about, nursing the same glass, but I sure wouldn’t want to find out… He got drunk, however, and proceeded to take off his shirt, saying, “I want you’re woman’s opinion, is the hair on my back attractive?” and posed his upper half, with a 3/4 turn and flexing his biceps. I was actually diplomatic in my response, “Just because I hate hairy backs doesn’t mean that there are women out there who love them.” Eventually, at about 2am I ran out of patience and had to yell at him and threaten to call the cops to chase him away from me and into his room.

He finally left yesterday morning, not without a great fuss and ado the night before about some plastic measuring cups of his that I hid, and that I was a bitch, and a wretched woman, so I called the cops, who were very annoyed with me for calling them again and made me pay B. $3 for the cups. I stayed up all night listening to music, drinking beer and smoking, hoping it would disturb his last night’s sleep a little. After a while I felt a little bad, and put a rolled up towel under his door. I shouldn’t have bothered – he didn’t notice or didn’t care, and was his usual asshole self in the morning.

I can’t believe he’d actually fix his stupid breakfast despite the fact that I sat next to the kitchen smoking a cigarette! Any normal human being would just leave and splurge on eating out this one time.

He left a broken egg on the kitchen floor, refusing to clean it up on purpose, and played a fucked up head game with me about whether he would return my keys or not while he cooked his crap.

What is it about all those minority groups – they bitch when you stereotype them, but then behave in the exact manner they so hate people to accuse them of?”  – Rita

Photo by Carl Nelson

A Poet’s Lives with Lyn Coffin

March 23, 2012

Lyn Coffin Onstage

 On a Roll…

Editor:  If you’ve been wondering what Lyn Coffin, our Poet, has been up to, here’s a recent message:

“Yay! I’m psyched! I’m going to be Lorgean theatre’s first playwright in residence, which means heading out at the beginning of May to Bucharest, Romania! Please go to the Lorgean Theatre site here (some of it’s in English)- The LT has cool photos- Lorin, who lives in and runs the theatre, got a residency in France, and instead of pocketing the money (which okay doesn’t quite cover my flight, but hey) passed it forward to me! and East and West (my and Ts. Bavuudorj’s poetry) is now out in English and Mongolian. And I’ll be teaching Writing Fiction through the University’s Continuing Ed program in the fall. All of which means, I realize, not all joys involve grandchildren.”  – Lyn

Photo by Carl Nelson

Seattle Celebrity News!

March 16, 2012

Noted Local Fashion Photographer is Switching to

INSECTS!

Regular Models and Actors are Getting to be a “Pain in the Ass”, he says.

 

 Editor:  The Seattle Fashion Community is all abuzz after the recent declaration by one of its leading photographers that he now intends to use insects and ‘bugs’ to replace human models and actors in his upcoming fashion shoots.  “Your average person knows that he or she can never hope to equal what a professional photographer can do with props, professional staging/make-up/lighting… and what we can’t do, that we accomplish with Photoshop.  Your average person is not made to feel better by looking at all these ads.  Quite the opposite!  We as professionals dedicate our days to making your average person  feel like a failure; like they can never measure up.  So, in part, it’s a moral decision,” he told The Seattle Celebrity News! during a recent interview.  “Plus they work for crumbs,” he added.  Read on to hear more:

Seattle Celebrity News! (SCN!):  So you feel that insects more objectify our present human state then?

Noted Local Fashion Photographer (NLFP):  That’s right.  They ARE the 99.999999999999999%

SCN!:  Can’t insects be hard to work with?

NLFP:  I’ve never had one talk back or refuse a task.  You treat them right and they’ll literally walk the extra mile for you.  And they don’t mind sharing a little of the rewards with the other workers in the industry.  Why, just as an example, we used a fairly non-descript, kind of an Everyman bug for a series of motivational posters I was creating for a large hedgefund, which operates out of Brussels.  Now this bug, I’ll call him “Bob”, lost one of his rear legs partway through the shoot.  Did he call Labor and Industries?  Was his agent and/or lawyer there and on my back in a nanosecond?  No.  He didn’t make a peep.  It was Continuity who picked up on it!  Said he had five more good legs, and that the other would grow back in time, anyways.  We wrapped that puppy without any further disruption.  The client was very happy with the result.  Bugs have that ‘can-do’, hive mentality which the clients appreciate.  They can’t tell you what it is, but I see it in the lens everyday.  It’s the authenticity.  ‘Bob’ is one of those guys who walks the walk.  But there are others.

SCN!:  What about modelling clothes, and such?

NLFP:  Well, they’ve got 6 legs, or more! you know.  That’s a lot of leg, and a lot of shoes.  Antennae are great to hang accessories on.  And, I’ve got to say, for some reason those Ladybugs just LOVE the little handbags.  In fact, they keep wandering away from the properties room.  I don’t know how they’re doing that…

SCN!:  Where do you find your talent?

NLFP:  More often than not they just wander in off the lot.  You wouldn’t believe the amount of real talent out there.  Of course, there’s always the stars.  The ones who have that certain something.

SCN!:  Could you give us some hints on some up-and-comers? 

NLFP:  Well, there’s this almost transparent green aphid who is really causing some buzz amongst the lighting people.  And then there’s my personal favorite: this Ladybug I call Emily.  But that’s as far as I want to say at this time.

SCN!:  Well, might we talk to you again, sometime?

NLFP:  Sure.  Drop by in 3 or 4 months and I think you’ll be amazed.

SCN!:  I’ll bring my reading glasses.

NLFP:  Good choice.

While we were there, one of the newer talents was positioning herself for a screentest.

SCN! photos by Carl Nelson

NEW PLAYS

March 9, 2012

OLLIE’S DAY OUT

OLLIE at the Bar.

OLLIE, 84, awakes one day to find his shoes wrapped and waiting under the Christmas tree.  He takes this as a ‘suggestion’, and wandering away from his assisted care facility finds himself in Fitzgeralds, an upscale hotel bar.  He immediately takes a shine to NIKI, who is waiting there for her boyfriend, PAUL to show.  Love struck, OLLIE decides to try and woo her. 

 While talking with OLLIE, NIKI lets it drop that she is pregnant.  OLLIE offers to marry her.  PAUL, the father, who arrives late, is hesitant to get married.  OLLIE’s ardor and commitment battle with PAUL’s youth and hesitance for the heart of NIKI.

To read the first 10 pages of this script, click on OLLIE’S DAY OUT under “Pages” to the right….     – Editor

NEW PLAYS

March 9, 2012

SAVING HARRY

“Harry Coombs, sixty, and the top copier salesman in his metropolitan area, has suffered a right side stroke. In order to hang on to his job in a rough, competitive business he hires Claude Gustafson, airy poet, and son of an old war buddy to assist him. Claude has had experience cold-calling for his wife Mary, who was a successful copier saleswoman, prior to her pregnancy. Harry is forced into the role of mentor and Claude is forced more and more into the full-time role of copier salesman as both struggle to keep their livelihoods and lives, on track.”

To read the first 10 pages of manuscript, click on, SAVING HARRY, under “Pages” on the right.  – Editor

NEW PLAYS

March 9, 2012

INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER

BERT and CLAUDE have planned an 85th birthday party for their man-crazy mother, BERNICE.  But BERNICE supplies the surprise by bringing HERB BOTTLEMAN, an elderly womanizer she picked up at the airport.  When HERB ends up preferring BERT’S trophy wife JACKIE to BERNICE, the raging BERNICE suffers a heart attack and dies.

In the second act, JACKIE’S insistence that BERNICE be buried in her cream outfit, forces BERNICE to come down from heaven to make sure she is buried in her “red dress with happy hooker heels”.  HERB, all the while, continues to pursue JACKIE.  And BERT gets so angry he decides to bury BERNICE in her underwear.  It takes all CLAUDE’S gumption and his psychiatrist’s (DR. PERHL) wisdom to get this family back together again – and BERNICE packed off to heaven where she belongs.  

To read the first 10 pages of the play, click on INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER, under “Pages” to the right…  – the Editor


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