Archive for August, 2012

Murders in Progress

August 29, 2012

Editor’s Note:  We are starting a new column here, Murders in Progress, by serialized murder writer, Eldon Cene

Gravel road with two pickups.

            A grisly murder had occurred just down the road from where Joe worked afternoons as cashier at the Mini Mart.  And then, just yesterday, the severed head had been found in a field just a quarter of a mile from the path Joe walked home alone after work in the late afternoon.  The rumor was that the head had been severed with a large hunting knife, at least that was what the coroner was rumored to have said.  So of course all of the hunters in the area were put on watch. 

            And since the head was that of a (formerly) comely woman, it was presumed the perpetrator was a man.  And when two different makes of tire treads but just one brand of beer can were found at the scene, (plus cigarette butts which had been used to burn out the  eyes – and then planted, ‘arranged’ actually, on the burns), everybody was looking for smokers who drove pickups, liked to hunt, and who drank beer.

            This narrowed it to just about everybody in the area who had testicles… and several who didn’t.

            Joe sighed and inhaled deeply, as he set off down the narrow gravel strip of road which was part of the route between the Mini Mart and his home.

Photo by Carl Nelson

Travelling Expenses

August 29, 2012
Editor:  Paul notes, “… it’s a good script and it all came from this one monologue which I wrote and realized it was a character that wanted to be….”

Into the Woods

Paul Eenhoorn Scriptwriter

There it is.. The death sentence, the guillotine about to cut your balls off. Married Ha! She will not leave her husband. Especially if he makes a shitload of money, love will lose to money every time. So tell me she’s dirt poor!
Jess says nothing.
You sorry son of a bitch. My Theory is, some of us, are meant to love, and we keep loving, but it’s not enough, and I don’…t mean the room mate kind of marriage love, I mean deep abiding heart destroying love, and we think that should be enough. But it’s never enough. We have to get a job, buy a house, a car, medical insurance.. why can’t we just love? You see I think that shit kills love. Marriage kills love.. We keep falling in love you and I, deeper and deeper each time until we meet “The One”. The Big Kahuna, and when that happens we’re gone, because there is no coming back from that one. You see each time we fall into a woman we leave a piece of our heart there, it’s like you cant get it back, and when you meet “Her”, instead of running, which is what any sane person would do, we just walk towards her like a zombie and say, “Rip what’s left of my Heart out Baby oh Yeah, I love the pain”. I have met her, I have loved her and I have died for her. So what I’m saying Jess is that you really.. you haven’t loved enough..Yet! Because you’re still alive!

Copyright Paul Eenhoorn 2012
A monologue from the latest screenplay..

Photo by Carl Nelson

Work, work, work with Rita Andreeva…

August 19, 2012

Editor:  What’s our Rita been up to?  I saw her at the most recent WARP Production with a new video camera.  So I figured she might have come into some money.  She didn’t answer that query, but here is her reply:

Time to go!

“…planning to move frantically and sporadically…”

Well, I’m still planning to move soon, very soon, so I don’t have time for anything else but planning to move frantically and sporadically. Probably to cheaper South. Why is South always cheaper in all the cities, do you know? It’s not that much hotter… Although, there is like a common theory that sophisticated and intelligent go north, and those who stay south basically eat bananas, drink margaritas and laze around so they aren’t as cool… and north is cool because it is colder and motivates you to be busy and invent technology.  So all the cool new technology is up north, like Redmond, and all the losers are down in Kent and Auburn, so I’ll be joining them soon and talking with a southern drawl (or is it drool?) and probably join KKK. – Rita Andreeva

Editor again:  By the way… If you are interested in Rita’s musings on the Meaning of Existence, attend her Church of the Eternal Mind, right here: 

Photo by Carl Nelson

From the Editor’s Perch…

August 18, 2012

How to Catch and Kill a Fly with Your Bare Hand

 You needn’t be fast.  It’s a question of creating the trap and then, timing!  (But having a large hand may be a plus.)


Figures 1 & 2


First approach the sitting fly with your dominant hand.  (See figure 1.)  Notice that the fingers are moderately spread, like the bars on a cell.

As your hand gets closer to the fly, the fly must decide what to do.  (See figure 2.) 

Figure 3

The fly will act when your hand is within a certain distance.  (See figure 3.)  If the distance to safety is made shorter by flying between your fingers, then this is the direction in which the fly will fly.

Figure 4

By trying to trap the fly repeatedly, you will discern at what distance the fly will make his move.  You need simply to begin closing your fingers together slightly before this distance, and then tightly as you continue… and the fly is yours!  (See figure 4.)


Illustrations by Carl Nelson

Seattle Celebrity News!

August 18, 2012

Editor’s Note:  Paul Eenhoorn, our in-house actor, has been busy lately.

The Delicate Art of Bird Watching

“Pretty much wrapped on The Delicate Art last night after 10 days of late night early morning shoots. The final scene was eight pages and I had a lot of trouble with dialogue. I think I had what could only be called a brain fart. I was awa… ke but I think the rest of me was fast asleep. Fatigue took its toll. For the first time for a long time I actually looked at footage we shot the night before, and for the first time in a long time I didn’t cringe at the sight of me on the screen. I think that means the portents for this film may be good. Or, I have grown up and accepted that that’s the way I look. Or possibly both. There was a lot of talent on this film and collectively they bowled me over.”  – Paul Eenhoorn

Photo by Unknown

From the Editor’s Perch…

August 12, 2012

Editor’s note:  Have your wife and neighbors ever asked you to go out and kill something, and you rebel?

Editor and His Dog Camping


I’m a big fan of moss.  Moss is cool, soft, green, pleasant to the touch and makes for a lovely ground cover, especially on a hot day, while discouraging weeds.  Moss has retained its nature for millions of years.  It evolved to be what it is at about the same time as the little arthropods which crawl across it.  Its nature dates from pre-history.  It arrived just after God I would suppose – perhaps as a second thought.  You find moss on a lot of graves, and in nooks and crannies and on the backsides of things. 


Moss is the sort of plant which will suffer fools.  Moss is what is left after we’ve done all the ‘important’ things we are going to do.  We’ve made that name for ourselves.  We married the leggy blonde and spawned that perfectly proportioned family.  We have more money.  Our politics make yours look like Lincoln logs.  Our kids have done better than your kids.  Plus! they can kick your ass, and we won WWII… did we mention?  Moss is left to coat everything in a lovely, romantic emerald green, kind of like all those dead Irish partisans’ monuments.


Moss is the sort of plant which will suffer fools.  And not, ‘Look at me, I’m lording it over you.  ‘Cause you’re stupid and morally unfit and lazy, besides.’  Moss does not preen, except to try and be the best moss it can be!  Moss-type people find other’s preening to be of interest enough.  And in the end they shall turn it into something nice, and soft, and green… romantic, even.  There’s an endless task for you.

Photos by Carl Nelson

From the Editor’s Perch…

August 10, 2012

Walking the Streets

I complained to a friend of mine, about a brief encounter with a vagrant on a downtown street, who had pestered me into conversation: “It’s so corrosive to the social fabric, so deleterious to the social compact people need to form in order to care for one another,” I complained.  “Here this guy is; he comes up to me and starts a friendly conversation.  He asks me questions, and draws parallels between us, like he wants to know me.  And as soon as he figures I’m not giving him any money, he leaves.  Or if I do give him money, he only chats further as long as he figures he might get more, and then he leaves.  He doesn’t care a fig about me or want to know me at all!”

My friend cast me a laughing smile, as if I were the world’s most pampered whiner.  “Of course he wants your money.  What do you expect?  He’s living on the street.  You have the money, and they don’t.”  He spoke with the assurance of a professional social worker.  “How do you think they’re going to act,” he looked at me as if to wonder if I were emotionally blunted, or had suffered a complete failure of imagination.

Well, nevertheless, I think it makes a great deal of difference how people  do act.  If I were to tell my friend that in my experience, the real reason people end up on the street is not because they run out of money, but because they  run out of friends – he would no doubt laugh at my idiocy and say, ‘The real reason they are out on the street is because they are flat broke!’

My friend believes what is needed is a total economic transformation of our current system and much more government involvement.  And this will come with more education.

Not that my friend is going to help them either.  In fact, he just shakes his head when I give one of these scam artists money!  But some of these street fellows: they show a bit of sales skills; we have a little fun parrying, they’re good story tellers or actors; maybe they are just shy or I admire their stoicism; or they are just pathetically so over the top!  As an aspiring theater person, I just feel I just have to toss some money in the hat.  I’m not supporting a drunk; I’m supporting the Arts.

 Photos by Carl Nelson

Seattle Celebrity News!

August 8, 2012

Paul Eenhoorn


This Is Martin Bonner

Have a look at this.  Doesn’t this look like a good film?  And our Paul gives it a little kick!

Photo of Paul Eenhoorn’s right eyeball by Unknown

From the Editor’s Perch…

August 6, 2012

My friend Scot sent me this link, bless his soul (that he denies he has)… even though it made him “gag”.  (One of the great things about newer technology and the internet is that you throw up in your own home, on your own keyboard.  You can tell people about it… but it’s not the same.  Happy Face!)

Anyway, any pro-Republican stance is such an odd event to have happen in the live theater community that it has gotten some press:

The last theater I’ve heard of which offered a platform for Republican ideas was the year the Humana New Theater Festival produced by the Actors Theatre of  Louisville offered William Buckley a play spot in the line-up (1988-89).  This was a nationally recognized event which brought enormous media attention to the Louisville Theatre.  Which was just what the festival founder and the idea’s originator, Jon Jory, had had in mind.   When Jory spoke to the Seattle contingent of The Dramatists Guild in 2011 he said that his thinking was that if theater is drama involving everybody, why not bring the one contingent which was not currently represented on the stage to the Festival?   He got what he wanted, but he added that it was “5 years before some people in the Theatre would speak with me”.  (He didn’t mention how nice this can be.) 

My personal idea of what a Progressive’s argument might look like.

Anyway, we haven’t travelled any distance since then!  Perhaps Progressives are as bright as they believe they are, because political theater nowadays is still what it was thoseadays: agiprop, show trials, or puff pieces for the latest liberal topic d’jour, with a fall-off to plays about racism, and those awful Nazis who are even better than Nixon to kick around.   Progressives are somehow able to make time stand still and make no change at all happen; which is something Conservatives have been straining to do for ages!  (A hard palm to the forehead.)

I don’t know how good this Theatre Festival will be.  On the one hand, it has enormous conversational and situational ground to mine.  On the other hand, good theater with an authentic voice can take a long time to create.  Like a major league club, you need a lot of farm teams and a lot of amateur players all over the country who ardently aspire to a dream.  You need a lot of Conservative writers, standing on the shoulders of a lot of others to create a zeitgeist which can press on the gas pedal with as much strength as it is now pressing on the brake.  And they need to build an audience with a taste for this.

But… it’s a start.  And it would make us look better than clubbing Harp seals.  – Carl Nelson

Images borrowed from the Internet.

From the Editor’s Perch…

August 3, 2012

What if Who You Are is a Loser?

Artists struggle with this fear constantly.  And well, the good news is: it’s not all bad. 

With losing comes an incredible amount of freedom.  Nobody much wants to regulate you, or direct you or to control you – because there isn’t much in it for them.  And hapless as you are, it would require a lot of effort.   So you can pretty much say what you want, do what you want, act as you want, dress as you want, dream as you want, do just about anything as you want – as long as you remain unsuccessful.  If you consider that most things have very humble beginnings, this places the loser out there on the forefront of just about everything, with the opportunity to create just about anything, and to move the world! I mean, most everything new which ever happened in this world began with a mistake.  (Why, just look in the mirror!)  And that’s you.  So keep your spirits up, first off.

The bad news is that when you are a loser, you’re alone.  And it’s the loneliness which is almost crushing.  No one will listen to you.  And it’s very difficult to make money.  People will laugh at you.  And without these levers of money and attention, moving the earth is very difficult.  In fact, doing anything is trebly difficult – and this can include just getting out of bed.  You may sink into your depression as if it were a soft mattress.   And you may think, as you stare at the ceiling fan turning in the sultry afternoon air in your cheap, anonymous rented drab green room and finish the warm beer, which doesn’t taste very good, but it’s something,  ‘Where’s the daylight here?’  ‘Where’s the good news?’ ‘ Why not just put the gun in my mouth?’  Well, my friend, the daylight is streaming in here, right in through that window!

So.  Alright.  And just to keep my readership up, I’m going to suggest something…

What to do if Who You Are is a Loser.

Surely you’ve seen the horses racing at the track.  The tinier the rider, the faster the horse can go.  So if you’re a loser, the first thing you need to do is to face up to it.  The surprising thing of it is, is that what keeps most losers down is their unwillingness to ‘go with it’.  They keep contorting themselves into a winner’s posture.  It’s a ‘failure to launch’, really.  Accept what you are, and let it out.  Let it go.  Let it free!  Let it thrive.  Quit imagining yourself as a winner, and take a little pride in yourself.  Allow yourself the freedom to parade yourself and to exploit the pride you find in your uniqueness.  You are small, but you control the horse.

So if you are a loser, what you need to do is to attach yourself to a winner – in a way, that makes you an asset.  You need to sniff around until you find someone who can take advantage of you.  Oppress you to their needs!  Yes.  Sure.  Place yourself in a position where they can sniff you out.  Go to where the action is.  Find out who the players are.  Go into your juggling act, and see who is hiring. Remember, weakness is provocative!  You are a great catalyst; an initiator!  You are what makes the world go ‘round.  And you needn’t get rid of your pride; but just save it in a different place.  Make it appear as a different object, so it isn’t trifled with.  Because every winner requires an awful lot of losers.  They need more of you than you of them.  So the only trick you need is to make them pay for your services.  And they’ll do that when you control the situation.

You all set?  Okay.  We’re done then.

OR, there is this one more strategy:  Find a natural winner whose nature and outlook you trust. Join their team!  Help them, and be a loyal follower. 

This anecdote from a Reader’s Digest article years ago has always stuck with me.  A teacher was writing a letter of recommendation to an Ivy League College for a student of his.  After enumerating all of the student’s exceptional talents the teacher went on to say, “I can’t say he has the qualities of an exceptional leader; but he does make for dependable and resourceful follower.”   The Dean of Admissions included this note to the teacher with a copy of his Letter of Acceptance.  “With all of the natural leaders we admit around here, we can probably use one good follower.”   

The one thing a leader cannot buy or coerce is loyalty.  And the wise winner cherishes them dearly.  Are you a loser capable of great loyalty?  Well then, you’re a shoo-in. 

Photos of Troupe Comique by Carl Nelson

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